BY MY LEFT

 

This was it. There is a choice that had to be made through a hard dilemma. I'm not good at handling such powerful thoughts as they all seem to fight into space in my mind. I'm granted the gift of thinking, but things had to fall out of lane this time and I swung into depression.

The first time this emotional wrestling had cornered me at the rings red spot angle, angels had masked red and played accomplice to this dreadful feeling. The city seemed store to my woes and the devil's trumpet blowing from my head. Things were falling apart. Destruction had put a landmine on my lane of thinking. Capacity broached incapable and I went blur. Blue.

I know. But I don't know. I think it is unusual. Ever since she crossed the line, I was too blind to see her blows square on my face. She had plastered her silhouette beside me and I walked the world with her. I made every effort and clenched bitter feelings for her but I will always loose it at the homestretch. _Kwani rada ni gani?_ I was the strongest boy in the Law School and had always convinced my friends to stride away from falling in love, which I considered as a disability.

"Collins, don't even try to think that I'll walk away just because you're acting blind to my feelings," she would say. Her words had always melted down to my knees and I would feel weak. I am not sure if writing about this will make me stronger to fight her off. I'm at the cliff. I am holding on on a string that is weaving off.

Cindy. Let's call her Cindy (I'm not going to disclose her real name). 

About a week after her confrontation, she stayed away from me and said nothing to me. She looked pale. Her gleaming nose line had turned red. Her eyes maintained their brightness and they would burn hell out of you. Her unusually long black hair tied up in a ponytail slapped her shoulders at every stride. Her suits (Monday to Thursday is official dressing in law school) always fitted her perfectly and they did nothing to hide her jaw dropping figure. She had it. Every single feature that a woman dreams of at the most incredible looks. Cindy. This girl Cindy.

It happened that the professor grouped us into working groups(that acted as Law firms). Fate brought us together once again. She sat directly in front of me. She was the leader, and had to assess each of us in trying to solve a case on land disputes. I was stammering. My mind went off. But she was the only one who understood this so she gave me an eternity to compose myself. I did it. Everyone nodded, except her. I expected her to shoot "point of correction" on my face. She didn't. Nobody did. On and on to the next members of the panel. The case statement was compiled and I had a large share of ideas into the case. But I had to remind myself that I was doing this for my career. Absolutely.

On moot court day, we had to pair with her. Good enough, the professional requirement of the issue made us to stick together, determined to win the case. Our panel was an amazing audience. We were a good pair, after several hearings and subsequent appeals, the case staggered on for a whole week and the Cindy Collins riot brought the law home.

Okay, seems like my track record of keeping girls away was being peeled off. After the case, I went back to my problems, to assess them and finding a new way of solving this. 

I approached her on Friday afternoon and asked her out for a drink in some place in town. She accepted. We walked up to our table and ordered drinks, soft drinks. We did not say anything. My glass was halfway down, hers was quarter way, I was always tempted to gulp down the reminder at her slightest blink. She had recovered from her paleness. Her agility of a lioness and alertness was wide awake. Her feminine power was staring down on me.

I wanted to tell her that in the first case this was supposed to be a friend zone. That we had blindly fallen closer to each other not realizing that school was tormenting us and it needed fulltime concentration. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry about it all, it was my mistake, that we should retrace our paths.

"Cindy, I'm aware of what had fallen between us and it's wise we should handle this before it's too late. I mean..."

"You'll file a case in court that Cindy Jackson had illegally fallen in love with you and that you want her jailed. I will be there to claim guilty." She cut in. She said this, picked up her handbag and walked away.

Her glass stared at me, halfway. Her heels tapped away and her scent hovered around. My mind was blur. I had not even started this but I had taken an early lose. Beaten twice.

Monday. We all went back to our work groups and the tension between us was too much this time. After classes, I bagged up enough courage and cornered her before she went out of our working room. She turned around when I held her hand and looked straight into my eyes. 

"I will not complain again. I free you to the liberty you've been seeking," she said.

I let go the grip on her. She turned to leave. My heart turned sore. 

"Wait, Cindy," I beckoned as she just left. She was reluctant to turn and she looked down on her feet. She was crying. I hated this. I felt like jumping off the roof and landing head fast. 

"I'm sorry. I love you."

All the boys I had corrupted into not falling in love, should they have heard me make this confession, I guess they would have stoned me to death.

She turned around, her tearful eyes revealing  a mixture of feelings. Feelings I could not tell. I was longing to see her take a flight of steps  to my hands. She shook her head and backed off.

"That is pity. Don't call it love. When you are sure you love me please come to me." She ran down the flight of stairs and disappeared.

The devil's trumpet blew blue murder in my head for the uptenth time. I leaned on the wall from the strain and stared blindly at the vast neighborhood of bungalows and mansions. This was Karen.

What about I went straight to this girl and told her to fuck off? Won't that save me the energy? But... what if I'll never find someone like her? Confusion.

As it seemed, I was losing grip of my emotions and doubtfully, I was going to let it be. To be sincere, I had this stubborn feeling that was so strange and new whenever I apprehended Cindy. I could not find anyone to talk to. It is not easy for a battalion to stomach the reality that the commander was losing it. It is never easy, unless you never wanted it. 

My dilemma was my new awakening. The stubborn feeling that had been cupped since I met Cindy was dawning on me. I liked Cindy. No. I loved her. Not pity. Not by any chance.

That night I could hardly sleep. I did not lay in bed thinking and having elapse with my sleep. No. I sat up in my study table and wrote down the largest  part of this story. I could not give it a title. It is not easy to put down a title and start writing right away. Ask *Reyian* about this.

Tuesday. Now, let's call it _Truesday_. This was going to be the awakening of my life. This day, I untied the feeling and gave liberty to my heart. Are you following? Listen.

Things were never planned. Great things love to happen with such terrific timing. I am still recovering from the shock that this feeling was probably true. I don't doubt hers either. But I never trust my heart. Do not trust yours either. The heart is the craziest organ I've had. Or do you people have such other crazier organs? A story for another day.

I approached the lesson a bit late and took my position at the back. The first thing I noticed was that Cindy had "migrated"(I never expected her to return) from her original sitting position beside me to the foremost desk at the front. The second thing I noticed that when everyone turned to see the late comer, she did not. 

"Your eyes are burning red, Sir," Professor observed. I turned to see who was being addressed, only to see everyone looking fixedly at me. 

"I am okay Sir," nothing much. My tired voice echoed the walls as I turned up the dog-eared pages of my exercise book. My heart was pounding and sweat was beginning to form on my palms. My hands turned greasy. The weight of the situation was too much and the reality was bearing down on me. This was too much. I hated myself. I hated Cindy. No, I was just angry  about her. What bothered me was anything coming between me and my studies. This was really tough, I had to admit. 

Soon the two hours tiptoed away and students hovered around as others walked out. Tony, a close friend, came over and stared at me. I looked disgusting, he observed. 

Several came over to cheer me up, but I guessed I had something to do. I left the room amidst protests and headed to Professor's office. 

Guess who was at the Professor's doorstep? Cindy. The first thing I saw was her stiletto shoe when she stepped out. I looked up to her curved thighs and turned away. I took the left wing that lined up the teaching staff corridor and abandoned my earlier plan to consult the professor on the previous lesson which went wasted. 

As I walked away, I felt the warmth of her eyes at my back. I heard her footfalls reduce and beckoning me to turn. I didn't. I walked faster to Lincoln Garden behind the staff building. I had to find refuge there.

The garden was serene. I walked about kicking dry leaves and combing the mowed lawns with my feet. I did this so much before I realized it was boring. I stood arms akimbo and thought that everything I was doing was not manly enough. All this pretence and acting blind on my feelings was being childish. This revelation made me stronger. I felt lighter as I walked back to class.

As everybody had left, the room looked big and lonely from the entrance. I stepped in and almost lost my next step when I saw her. She had immigrated to her original position beside me. 

I walked up to my seat. I extended my hand in greetings (we usually hug) but she ignored. 

"You think by looking pale and grey and whatever you decide is your color, you will be punishing yourself. No. You're punishing me," there was an echo in her voice. Pain. 

"I am sorry about the whole thing Cindy and..."

"You're not Collins," she interrupted. "I have  been thinking about this and realized that your problem is your mentality towards love. You're a coward. You think every girl you meet will be like the one you met in the past. We are not all going to mess you. That you should trust me for. See a psychologist, but I guess it will be expensive." 

I stared at her as she looked blankly into space. She had not turned her face on me since I entered, I guess she was doing what I did at Professor's door. I missed her. She was seated by my left and every time her presence ignited this stubborn feeling in my heart. She had always sat there, and we had depended on each other for everything. 

"I guess I should be leaving," she looked into my eyes. It was a moan, and it cut deeper into my stomach like a double edged sword. She held her pouch with both hands as if it was the only thing she wanted then. She sat up and straightened her skirt, filled with the wealth of her bum. Her scent hovered the room and descended into me like a spirit. I guess I was coming close to worshipping her, too blasphemous, but I will willingly swim in hell's kitchen. 

She was leaving. I felt the urge to hold her back. I was thinking of pulling her back when I sprang to my feet and held her back with my left hand. She stilled herself as I turned her around. Our eyes locked and held. Her eyes were misty. 

"This is not pity. It is love. I love you Cindy. I can't ignore this any longer," I whispered. I wanted to say much, but there was no chance. We pulled closer and she locked into my hands. Sobs. Her hair was soft against my neck. I felt her nails pop into my shoulders as her sobs increased. I felt that I should weep too, but I had the balls. I whispered all I could mutter, and she sunk into my bloc. The fullness of her bossom was overwhelming. This hug felt so different. 

I lessened my grip. She let hers go. Her hands went to my neck and mine to her narrow waist. I pulled her closer. Her nips were pricking my chest. My blood raced. Those lips that I had always admired seek mine. Except some glistening lip balm, she wears no makeup. It tasted sweet. 

I released her. We were both breathing heavily. I felt so much different. 

We stared for a while and could not help smiling. Chuckles. We sunk back to our seats and she covered her face with her hands. The room looked brighter. 

"Tomorrow morning, make sure you report early, I missed so much today," I told her. She understood. We were being us again. 

"Tomorrow morning, I will seat beside you. But I will pull my desk closer to yours," she said dragging her desk almost colliding with mine. I looked at her bright eyes, she held my left hand. 

"By my left. Stay there for the rest of my life. Please Cindy. By my left."